Thursday, May 22, 2008

10? 12? Wait, What Happened? Is the Game Over? Did we Lose? I'm Confused.

OK, so here's the lowdown on Monday night's game: What the fuck happened? I'm really not sure. Is it 10 runs or 12 runs at the end of the 5th inning that we ultimately lose? The scoreboard said we were down by 10 runs, while the rule book says we have to be down by 12. I think the score online says we lost by 12 runs, so I dont know what the deal is. However, I have a suspicious feeling that Old Man Rivers behind the plate pulled a fast one on Team Izzy's. Since Monday night also happens to be bingo night down at the Senior Center, Old Man Rivers was in a hurry to finish our game. He ended our game early because he wanted to meet Doris down at bingo. Not only is Doris the 3-time Bingo State Champion in the women's 95+ category, she's also extremely hot. I mean, can you really blame him? Personally, I'd do the same thing. Just look at this hot piece of ass.

Putting technicalities aside, we probably still would have lost had we even finished the full game. I'm not even going to mention our series of infield disasters consisting wild throws, non catches, throwing to the wrong base, turning singles into triples, dropped balls, missed balls, or even wild throws from the outfield. I'm not going to even mention it, just like I'm not going to discuss our poor hitting. I don't think everyone needs to be reminded that our trusty pitcher struck out, twice, or that Hupdirt can't seem break out of his slump, or that I forced a double play with two men on base. You know why I refuse to talk about our shortcomings? Because its not good for moral. And I also don't have enough time.

So, its now time to announce our Bood Light 40oz MVP. Maybe its because it was his Birthday Week. Maybe it was the relievement of learning that after all these years of keg stands, and 6ft bong loads, that his sperm was actually strong enough to swim upriver and find the golden egg. It was this motivation that helped Bilbo hit a shot past center field to middle earth, earning a grand slam. Bilbo hit in 4 of the 5 runs of the game. Bilbo was also one of the three infielders that went to the batting cages before the game. So Happy Birthday, and congrats on knocking up the lady!

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Monday Night's Game is Yet To Be Reviewed

And it's all Lumbergh's fault. Did you guys hear that Lumbergh fucked Joanna? He showed her his "O" face all night.

Now get back to work and be sure to use the proper cover page on your TPS Reports.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

We Challenge You to a Duel.........a Defensive Duel!

The first look in the Tuesday morning Novato Parks and Rec Adult Softball League Division C-III box scores shows a pretty pathetic game: The now 1-3 Ignacio Rotarians defeated the 1-4 Izzys Steakhouse squad by a score of 3-2. But in all honesty this was a fun game to be apart of. Although the Rotarians probably had more fun getting their first win of the season after being blown out in their first three games. Seriously, just look at how happy these guys were after their win:

As the score shows, this game was all about defense. Well, it was also about hitting like tools but it's more fun to talk about the good things we did. But not before we throw you a picture of one of Matt's two strike outs. This shot was snapped on the "backwards K" Matt took while trying to force a walk. Nice take, Hyland:

Plate appearance failure aside, Matt pitched a great game. He struck out one guy and forced a lot of pop ups to Tom at first base. By only allowing 3 runs over 6 innings, his season ERA dipped below double digits for the first time all year to 9.85. Matt owes a lot of his success this game to his partner in crime signal caller Aaron behind the plate. Here's the happy tandem sharing an embrace between innings:

The view from Right Field was delicious this game. I think that we can all agree that the Half Nelson Steak Sauce not only makes us hungry for steak, but it definitely got in the domes of the Rotarians. Honestly, when does a team pop out to 1st base three times in one game? It was great standing in the centerfield gap and catching a ball hit right to me simply because of the steak sauce placement. Headgames for sure. But my best play of the season so far was running down a deep fly hit to right field from the Rover position. This picture was snapped by one of our only fans, Tommy's mom, as I jump up for the grab. Nice action snap, Mrs. Tullis.

Even though your trusty Right Rover made some fine defensive plays and a few guys had multi hit games, the play of the game goes to our 40oz MVP winner Matthew P. Dito. Dito was playing center field when a big hitting Ignacio Rotarian caught the sweet spot and pumped one well over his head. The Eagle Vines Head Pro got on his horse and used the power of the Yankee Pinstripe to chase down the shot for an important out that would have scored two runs should he not have caught it. Here's Dito in action on that fly ball right before he made the grab and then fell on his ass:

Dito's solid defense combined with his single during the 7th inning rally earns him his first ever 40 oz. Playa Of Tha Week award. Hoist your Cobra 40's and toast Matt!

Our last inning rally is something that really should have been. A Dito single followed by an Izzys Right Fielder line drive chased by an Aaron base hit got the comeback party started. Confidence filled our loins as the top of our order came up to bat. Our fill in leadoff man Tracy, a.k.a. Drunko McShortstop (R.I.P. Matt Clark/Pimpalicious) had a man on 1st and 2nd with two outs. The stage was set for his 40 oz MVP trophy and Izzys infamy before he popped out to center to end the game:

Can I propose a new strategery? Can we flip the order next game so that the crafty hitters like Tommy, Tom, Dito, Izzys Right Fielder and Aaron get things started on the right foot? For some reason the top of our order, aside from Brian, haven't been able to link together hits in the first few innings. That being said, I leave you with an inspirational picture of our Captain Brian running the bases on Monday night. If our old man Captain can turn on the afterburners, we can too:

Until next Monday.........Bitches. Here's to our 2nd win.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Aye Caramba!!

On May 5th (Cinco de Mayo) 1862, the French Army was slaughtered at the Battle of Puebla. 4,000 poorly equipped tequila-drinking Mexican soldiers outsmarted and annihilated little Napoleon's French army of 8,000 men. The city of Puebla, 100 miles east of the very clean Mexico City, was the battleground on which Mexico was to prove to the world that national sovereignty would not be compromised. As a result of the this bloody battle, the French soldiers were either killed, or retreated to their confines of baggettes, camembert cheese, champagne, and chain smoking.

You may be wondering what this has to do with softball. Well, exactly 146 years later, Casa Carne Asada de Izzy's reenacted the Batalla de Puebla and killings in true Cinco de Mayo spirit and suffered a similar defeat. Prior to the Battle at IVC, Izzy's was already down 4 men. What could be more important than Novato Parks and Rec 3rd division men's softball you ask? Apparently basketball and vacation. Pimpalicious was occupied by giving his monthly lecture to SF State students on "How to Hustle your Hoes while Building your Stock Portfolio." Catcher Aaron was still thinking about his 4 hits from the last game, and didn't want to spoil us this week. Our Right Fielder had a very important netball playoff game to attend to instead of fighting for Izzy's, and Dito, our part-time left fielder was on a much deserved vacation.

To replace the MIA Izzian's, Bilbo picked up two guys from the canal in San Rafael to play catcher and center field. Bilbo treated them to virgin margaritas and Coronas at Maya's before the game, and they looked great with their Maya wristbands. I can't remember their names, but the center fielder caught a few fly balls, and they both had a couple good hits. Even though one of them was tagged out at home to end the game, we owe them a big gracias for filling in. So thanks guys.

The first inning wasn't too humiliating, as we only gave up one run. Bilbo snagged a rocket grounder to third base and shot it to Tom at first for a solid out, solidifying one of only two infield plays of the night. It was a surprisingly calm night for the Izzy's Infield. I managed to knock down 3 grounders at short stop, preventing any balls from rolling into shallow left, while making exactly 0 outs in the game. Pitcher Matt fielded a fake bunt for an out, and struck out another batter out with his ugly change up. First Base Tom caught a pop-up for an out, then let the 2nd base runner steal 3rd (and home) after a wild throw to 3rd, and after the runner face-planted 10 feet before the bag. 2nd Base Tommy had a highly uneventful night in the infield, while nursing a Kentucky Derby hangover and mourning the loss of his best friend, Eight Belles. Tommy almost got his glove on a missile up the middle, almost.

Izzy's outfielders on the other hand, had a very busy night. Our outfielders made most of the outs in the game by catching 12 of the 253 shots to the outfield. Huppert was fast in left field, making some amazing diving catches as if they were pot brownies falling from the sky. Veteran Ben took the most important position on the field, right field that is. Not only did Ben catch a dinger to right, he caught it one-handed to end the inning. Coach Brian and his amigo in center field were busy retrieving line drives all night, netting a few outs. Understandably frustrated with all the line drives to the outfield and over my head, Pitcher Matt (who is part-time motivational speaker, and Tony Robbins graduate) gave us a brief pep talk and told us to "get our heads out of our asses." Similar to how an ostrich sticks its head in sand when scared, we took the same approach, but for the humiliation of giving up 15 runs.

But wait, it gets better. Not only did we give up 15 runs to the decade old San Marin Mustangs who were re-living their glory days, Team Izzy's scored zero runs. I know, its impressive. Our new bat (not Vaginal Thunder) , helped us get few guys on base, but no one succeeded in passing 3rd base. We eventually surrendered our defeat by order of the mercy rule. Last night,we were on "The Bar" hometown hero- I mean home turf, similar to how the French were defeated on foreign land back on Cinco de Mayo, 1862.

So what do we do when we are defeated? We Drink.

...and we drink more.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

What Izzians Did With Their Time Off

All of us Izzians were totally jonesin' for some hot softball action this week. After a solid performance we wanted to keep the "W" Train moving full speed ahead. But for some strange reason involving the fat ump and crazy ump's refusal to work hard, we had a Bye Week (always blame things on the Umpire) and were left to train for the May 5th game as individuals.

So, what did the Izzians do with their week off? Let's take a look at the pictures our teammates sent to your humble triple-hitting-game-breaking-Right Fielder/Rover this week:

Tommy Tullis (not hardcore Tom) hit up some college frat parties and did keg stands. Fortunately, his keg stand did not go wrong as the frat guys saw Tommy as a "Cool Old Guy".

Bilbo went to party in Davis with his Little Brother in Theta Chi, McLovin. They drank Mexican beer together for hours on end.

Tracy forgot that we didn't have a game and was caught wandering around the infield of IVC Field 1 saying "are you guys playing Izzys tonight?"

Aaron hit the batting cages for 4 hours on Monday night perfecting his liners into center field.

Matt attended a brunch after church service and used his log to stoke the fire of Jebus.

Brian was talked in to caddying for some junior golfers by their asshole fathers and was paid in gummy bears and snickers.

Clark remained Pimpalicious on tha' real, tho.

And your trusty Izzys Right Fielder set some very succesful coed traps on the Theta Chi front lawn.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Who's Tougher? Tom or Geoff?

I just had a chance to email the pictures from my Samsung camera phone......... my email address followed by loading the pictures into Microsoft Office Picture Manager to crop, add a sepia filter, and generally fix the shit out of the photos I took from Monday night's game only to find some serious illness. So the question posed to all of my fellow Izzians is "Who is More Tough?" between Tom and Geoff. Let's take a look at our first entrant:

Tom presents us the smile-less "don't you EVER even THINK of fcuking with me!" look that scares nerds and sissys alike into having nightmares on a regular basis. It doesn't take Tom that long to walk from the home team dugout to first base so he uses his extra time to slowly put away his batting gloves while firing menacing looks at the other squad getting ready to bat. It is this type of intimidation that scares many a Softballer in the C-2 Novato Parks and Rec adult league.

Huppert's mean mug has an interestingly different flava to it. Although Geoff does look like he kinda wants to crack a smile, his grizzly beard and back-left gangsta head tilt let a bitch know that while he might appear to be "havin' a good time", he can flip a switch in T-minus 0.1 milliseconds to bring the pain. Hup even gets the posed Rawlings glove in the picture while finding time to put his throwing hand in his pocket for the ultimate in "I could giva fcuk if you take my picture" look.

Needless to say, Team Izzys is very lucky to have such hardcore (soft)ballaz on our squad. Both Tom and Geoff are serious intimidators who will be instrumental in helping us finish 5-5 and get to the Consolation Bracket Championship Game. But my question (out of right field) to you is "Who is More Tough? Tom or Hup?" Bring yo' answers in the comments section, foo.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

4/21/08 Game: We Ain't Scurred of no Chupacabras!

After using time since our 2nd game to voraciously update this blog, send emails to each other about purchasing new pink and/or Puerto Rican flag bats, and having dudes fire up to hit the McInnis Batting Cages; Team Izzys finally came together for their first win of the season. Fcuk Yeah! The 15-8 smackfest combined Matt's Half Nelson Defense, limited errors, a few really quick innings on defense and some consistent hitting to bury these peckers who thought they looked good in Cardinals Uniforms and tight baseball pants.

The 2nd inning really got it going for us when we sent up 9 guys to the plate. Your humble right fielder fired an RBI triple shot down the left field line (totally NOT foul) starting the 7 run rally. Highlights of the awesomeness included Huppert crushing one over the left fielder, Matt juking their infield on back-to-back groundballs forcing errors, and Clark hitting one in the gap left handed. Perfection.

All of us also enjoyed Clark once again displaying his pimpaliciousness by not wearing the Team Izzys hat and rocking his full fledged fro. I'm not sure if this is his choice or if he physically can't fit the red Izzys cap over his dome any longer. You decide:

A lot of Izzians in the top of our order did their job firing singles all over left field. We had a healthy combo of making their pitcher sweat, but not being bitches by keeping our bats on our shoulders praying for a walk.

The 40oz MVP of the Week was the closest vote to date. Aaron came out of nowhere (in like he didn't even show up to the game last week) to get on base 4 times with perfectly placed singles. Word on the street is that he has been hitting the batting cages after dropping his kids off at school. Tracy hit in the meat of the order and went 3/4 for at least 4 RBI's. While Aaron did a fantastic job catching Matt's errant pitches and getting them back to him in a timely manner, the nod went to Tracy with his solid errorless play at the Short Stop position. Congratulations to Drunko!

The view from hybrid right field was beautiful. I enjoyed playing the Right Rover while daring the dorks on the other team to hit shots into right field. It was fun running down a pop up in right in the first inning while also catching a liner for the last out of the game. But my favorite moment had to be my rally inspiring RBI triple. You know, everyone tends to get motivated when the right fielder gets his first hit of the season! Then when Clark batted me in I had no idea where to step on home plate (the orange part or the plate?) since I never before had the chance to run past first on a routine groundout (so, you step on the orange part of first, but the white part of home? That is so not intuitive).

Although we probably could have been a little smarter by letting the clock run out in the 5th inning, we did a lot of things well this game. First of all, we kept our spirits high by constantly making fun of the Umpire, the other team and Clarks fro. When we get too serious we tend to get tight and not play well. So, "Who's Now?" you ask? Team Izzys SUKKA!! (at least for this week)