What Izzians Did With Their Time Off

All of us Izzians were totally jonesin' for some hot softball action this week. After a solid performance we wanted to keep the "W" Train moving full speed ahead. But for some strange reason involving the fat ump and crazy ump's refusal to work hard, we had a Bye Week (always blame things on the Umpire) and were left to train for the May 5th game as individuals.

So, what did the Izzians do with their week off? Let's take a look at the pictures our teammates sent to your humble triple-hitting-game-breaking-Right Fielder/Rover this week:

Tommy Tullis (not hardcore Tom) hit up some college frat parties and did keg stands. Fortunately, his keg stand did not go wrong as the frat guys saw Tommy as a "Cool Old Guy".


Bilbo went to party in Davis with his Little Brother in Theta Chi, McLovin. They drank Mexican beer together for hours on end.


Tracy forgot that we didn't have a game and was caught wandering around the infield of IVC Field 1 saying "are you guys playing Izzys tonight?"


Aaron hit the batting cages for 4 hours on Monday night perfecting his liners into center field.


Matt attended a brunch after church service and used his log to stoke the fire of Jebus.


Brian was talked in to caddying for some junior golfers by their asshole fathers and was paid in gummy bears and snickers.


Clark remained Pimpalicious on tha' real, tho.


And your trusty Izzys Right Fielder set some very succesful coed traps on the Theta Chi front lawn.

Who's Tougher? Tom or Geoff?

I just had a chance to email the pictures from my Samsung camera phone.........


.........to my email address followed by loading the pictures into Microsoft Office Picture Manager to crop, add a sepia filter, and generally fix the shit out of the photos I took from Monday night's game only to find some serious illness. So the question posed to all of my fellow Izzians is "Who is More Tough?" between Tom and Geoff. Let's take a look at our first entrant:


Tom presents us the smile-less "don't you EVER even THINK of fcuking with me!" look that scares nerds and sissys alike into having nightmares on a regular basis. It doesn't take Tom that long to walk from the home team dugout to first base so he uses his extra time to slowly put away his batting gloves while firing menacing looks at the other squad getting ready to bat. It is this type of intimidation that scares many a Softballer in the C-2 Novato Parks and Rec adult league.


Huppert's mean mug has an interestingly different flava to it. Although Geoff does look like he kinda wants to crack a smile, his grizzly beard and back-left gangsta head tilt let a bitch know that while he might appear to be "havin' a good time", he can flip a switch in T-minus 0.1 milliseconds to bring the pain. Hup even gets the posed Rawlings glove in the picture while finding time to put his throwing hand in his pocket for the ultimate in "I could giva fcuk if you take my picture" look.

Needless to say, Team Izzys is very lucky to have such hardcore (soft)ballaz on our squad. Both Tom and Geoff are serious intimidators who will be instrumental in helping us finish 5-5 and get to the Consolation Bracket Championship Game. But my question (out of right field) to you is "Who is More Tough? Tom or Hup?" Bring yo' answers in the comments section, foo.

4/21/08 Game: We Ain't Scurred of no Chupacabras!

After using time since our 2nd game to voraciously update this blog, send emails to each other about purchasing new pink and/or Puerto Rican flag bats, and having dudes fire up to hit the McInnis Batting Cages; Team Izzys finally came together for their first win of the season. Fcuk Yeah! The 15-8 smackfest combined Matt's Half Nelson Defense, limited errors, a few really quick innings on defense and some consistent hitting to bury these peckers who thought they looked good in Cardinals Uniforms and tight baseball pants.

The 2nd inning really got it going for us when we sent up 9 guys to the plate. Your humble right fielder fired an RBI triple shot down the left field line (totally NOT foul) starting the 7 run rally. Highlights of the awesomeness included Huppert crushing one over the left fielder, Matt juking their infield on back-to-back groundballs forcing errors, and Clark hitting one in the gap left handed. Perfection.

All of us also enjoyed Clark once again displaying his pimpaliciousness by not wearing the Team Izzys hat and rocking his full fledged fro. I'm not sure if this is his choice or if he physically can't fit the red Izzys cap over his dome any longer. You decide:


A lot of Izzians in the top of our order did their job firing singles all over left field. We had a healthy combo of making their pitcher sweat, but not being bitches by keeping our bats on our shoulders praying for a walk.

The 40oz MVP of the Week was the closest vote to date. Aaron came out of nowhere (in like he didn't even show up to the game last week) to get on base 4 times with perfectly placed singles. Word on the street is that he has been hitting the batting cages after dropping his kids off at school. Tracy hit in the meat of the order and went 3/4 for at least 4 RBI's. While Aaron did a fantastic job catching Matt's errant pitches and getting them back to him in a timely manner, the nod went to Tracy with his solid errorless play at the Short Stop position. Congratulations to Drunko!


The view from hybrid right field was beautiful. I enjoyed playing the Right Rover while daring the dorks on the other team to hit shots into right field. It was fun running down a pop up in right in the first inning while also catching a liner for the last out of the game. But my favorite moment had to be my rally inspiring RBI triple. You know, everyone tends to get motivated when the right fielder gets his first hit of the season! Then when Clark batted me in I had no idea where to step on home plate (the orange part or the plate?) since I never before had the chance to run past first on a routine groundout (so, you step on the orange part of first, but the white part of home? That is so not intuitive).

Although we probably could have been a little smarter by letting the clock run out in the 5th inning, we did a lot of things well this game. First of all, we kept our spirits high by constantly making fun of the Umpire, the other team and Clarks fro. When we get too serious we tend to get tight and not play well. So, "Who's Now?" you ask? Team Izzys SUKKA!! (at least for this week)

Who's More Now? Tracy or Tom?

.........music plays "wiggy-wiggy-wiggy. Who's...Now....Who's....Now. (lemme hear ya maain) When big things poppin' errbody stoppin (what!) When big things poppin' errbody stoppin (c'mon now). Who's...Now....Who's....Now." Can't you just hear the sample guitar riffs taken from the Top Gun theme music? Doesn't this song just make you want to get CRUNK? The T.I. "Big Things Poppin'" remix really does flash me right back to July '07 when the EveryDaySportsProgrammingNetwork tried to kill time by inviting Jessica Beil to vote on who was "more now".

But wasn't it obvious who was going to win without having to knock off 30 other athlete-brities? We KNEW that Tiger and LeBron were going to be in the finals. And we KNEW that Tiger was going to destroy the 22 year old.

OK, on to the 2nd Round of which Izzys Team Member is More "Now":


This picture is great because it is a side-by-side comparison of Drunko McShortstop and Tom from 1st base. While Tracy's Sabatoge Cop outfit was awesome, I remember him having trouble keeping his brilliant 'stache on all night. He kept fiddling with it and had a terrible time looking legit. Boy didn't even listen to me when I said "slap some Vaseline on your upper lip and dip yo' lip in coffee grounds! Then shape that shiz with a q-tip, sukka!" Actually, I think he wanted to do that but Randy and Kevin only had Folgers Cristals in the cupboard which didn't really work. On the other hand, Tom's outfit looks like it cost some serious cashola. It looks like a hippie-fit that he wears year after year because it is so fresh. I'm sure if we hang out next year for Halloween he will wear the same exact costume. Either that or he rented it for the occasion (hope he bought the damage waiver because I remember some delicious Presidio Brew being tossed in his general direction).

Anyway, please enjoy Round 2 of Who's Now, Team Izzys.

Which Izzy's Team Member is more "Now"?

As the pictures keep rolling in from Izzys Team Members, it is a good idea to attach them to this splenderous blog. This post is also a call to solicit more feedback in the "comments" section. If they are good comments, I may just make you an author to the blog (which is pretty much "Step 1" to becoming famous).

So like the ESPN bullshit contest last year, who is "More Now" between Brian and Matt Clark?


This picture shows Brian at work with a terrible suit on holding a Bud Light 40. I'm pretty sure his computer is on YouTube and that this was taken at 9:00 am. Also, look at all of the crushed beer cans over his right shoulder. Captain Brian requires a nice buzz to get up the guts to call his clients.


This photo of Matt Clark was taken on just a normal night out in the Presidio. Clark is pimp like dat and pretty much wears fly garb 24/7. Putting on an Izzys Uniform is a serious hit to his style-conscious persona. But while the rest of us look like uniformed robots during the games doing the exact same thing (going 1/3 with our only hit occurring when no one is on base), Clark patrols the Outfield with his awesome fro letting the ladies know wassup.

So who is More Now? Captain Brian or Matt "Pimpalicious" Clark?

Our (potential) New Team Bat: Vaginal Thunder

This is a picture of our new team bat. Someone just has to order it first:


Once we get Pink Thunder in our hands, the world of Team Izzys will change. Medium paced grounders to short stop will turn into kind of hard grounders to short stop that produce more of a potential for bobble-age. Floating line drives to left field will now be stronger drives to left that may kind of hurt the left fielder's hand if they don't catch it directly in the pocket. But most importantly, our hands won't be black and blue after each game. So we'll all need some other excuse for holding pints of Dos Equis at Mayas than "we're icing down our busted manos". I promise to think of one by Monday night.

The Half Don Nelson Steak Sauce Defense

Matt takes time to pencil out, scan and then email Team Izzys members a sketch of what he calls the "Half Nelson Defense". This involves 2 Outfield Rovers who catch bloops and grounders when they just happen to get by our incredibly speedy Middle Infielders and Bilbo. This leaves one deep Outfielder in Left and another in straight away Center. As you can see, Right Field is left wide open like a whales vagina essentially daring our opponents to hit shots into right for guaranteed triples.

I am not too sure if I like this defense. I mean, where does this put your trusty Izzys Right Fielder? Does this team blog suddenly need to disappear and restart with a new title such as "Tales from The Izzy's Right Rover" or "Tales From Izzys DH"? And what happens if that blog name is already taken? I'm confused. And scared. I just don't want to be cut.

From a strategery standpoint.........


.........I think we are being a little naive here. We are assuming that these other teams have as much of a problem as we do hitting the ball to the right side of 2nd base. The Half Nelson would easily work on us, but maybe not the old men who go to the batting cages 3 times a week and can place line drives anywhere they want.

But what the hell. Let's give it a shot for an inning or two to see if it works. Are we putting effort into an issue that is a cover up for our mediocre hitting? Shouldn't we be collecting donations for a bat that costs more than $20 and has a larger sweet spot than a hobbit's wang? My hands still hurt from those 3 inning-ending grounders I shanked to the Short Stop on Monday.

4/14/08 Game: Screw the Mercy Rule and Hour Limit

In my opinion, the rules to limit time spent on the field are total crap. Team Izzys needs as much time swinging bats and fielding softballs as possible. We didn't pay $50 to get up 2 or 3 times and leave after the 5th inning down 21-9. Ever heard of "it ain't over til' it's over" and "just wait until Izzys' Right Field starts to GO OFF"?? I consider this game a non-loss because we didn't complete the game. So it's a DNC -did not complete- in my book (The Book of Awesome). Team Izzys is still 0-1.

It was great to see Todd "Tommy" Tullis find time to show up. He responded with a few sweet RBI walks and even caught a ball in right field (while the REAL Izzys Right Fielder spent time on the bench getting in the hitters' domes). Tommy also inspired his teammates by using his home made "The Natural" wooden bat instead of our red-gripped team bat that Brian bought at T&B for $20.


Even with the 45 mile per hour wind, there were some sweet plays in this game. Geoff's dime from left field to Ben behind the plate for the putout was incredulicious. Huppert definitely has the best arm on the team. But the 40oz MVP of this game goes to Matt. His judgement of the wind while pitching was radical. While Team Izzys took about 12 walks from the other team's pitcher, Matt figured out how to judge the gusts. He was also the only one who took advantage of the left to right tail-wind by blasting a shot over the left fielder's head punctuated by a late slide onto (not into) 3rd. Too bad nobody was on base when that happened. Nice work, Matt.


The Izzys Right Fielder (Me, Goddamnit!) made some sweet plays. It was great to run all the way to centerfield only to misjudge a deep fly ball. I also went 0/3 from the plate with all three outs ending innings with runners on base. Yes, I am awesome. But I did almost throw a bitch out at first on a blooper into right field. Almost.

4/7/2008 Game: At Least We're Better Than Last Year

Considering that Team Izzy's was destroyed on a regular basis last season, an Opening Game 14-8 loss wasn't that bad. We even had a 3-2 lead in the 3rd inning with some great defensive efforts before the comedy of errors began. But holding a squad to 14 runs through 7 innings is pretty solid. Our bats should indeed pick up after we all dig out the 6th Grade Little League coaching from the foggy depths of our overly polluted minds.

Captain Brian made a few stellar plays at 2nd base and really only fucked up in the field once. Brian also went 4/4 from the plate hitting sharp singles that barely made it over the short stop's head. For his efforts, Captain Brian was our 40oz MVP Trophy receipient.


Here's a picture of Brian after he drank his 40 for a game well played.



My view from right field this game made me feel like a happy loser. I did go 0/4 with various ground and flyouts to the left portion of the field but felt like our team did well. Our fielding was much better than last year and we had some solid hits. Too bad we couldn't string together more than two hits at a time to actually win this game. It was our first game of the season and the San Marin grads we played already had a game under their belts, which is kind of like cheating if you ask me.

Hi, I'd like to introduce myself.....

Hi. My name is Cameron and I play right field in the Novato Softball C-2 Division for Team Izzys. Last season, we won two games and were "mercy ruled" in most of our losses. This season we recruited new players and dropped others. So we are hoping to do better. My pre-season projection after our one and only practice was that we'd finish 5-5 and end up losing in the Consolation Bracket Championship. I think we would all be happy about that and would celebrate with a few pitchers at Maya's after the game.

So how did I end up in right field? I was a pretty decent baseball player growing up but quit after 6th grade. I decided to focus on golf and poontang so my Spring's were fully booked. I sometimes wish I kept playing baseball. This is especially evident when I hit weak grounders to shortstop and drop flyballs in right field during Izzys games.


This blog should be really super duper fun for all of our team members to look at on a weekly basis after our games. It will also take up some of my free time most likely keeping me out of the McGinnis Park batting cages. But I think that my blogging will help our team much more than me actually getting on base. Enjoy.