Thursday, May 22, 2008

10? 12? Wait, What Happened? Is the Game Over? Did we Lose? I'm Confused.

OK, so here's the lowdown on Monday night's game: What the fuck happened? I'm really not sure. Is it 10 runs or 12 runs at the end of the 5th inning that we ultimately lose? The scoreboard said we were down by 10 runs, while the rule book says we have to be down by 12. I think the score online says we lost by 12 runs, so I dont know what the deal is. However, I have a suspicious feeling that Old Man Rivers behind the plate pulled a fast one on Team Izzy's. Since Monday night also happens to be bingo night down at the Senior Center, Old Man Rivers was in a hurry to finish our game. He ended our game early because he wanted to meet Doris down at bingo. Not only is Doris the 3-time Bingo State Champion in the women's 95+ category, she's also extremely hot. I mean, can you really blame him? Personally, I'd do the same thing. Just look at this hot piece of ass.

Putting technicalities aside, we probably still would have lost had we even finished the full game. I'm not even going to mention our series of infield disasters consisting wild throws, non catches, throwing to the wrong base, turning singles into triples, dropped balls, missed balls, or even wild throws from the outfield. I'm not going to even mention it, just like I'm not going to discuss our poor hitting. I don't think everyone needs to be reminded that our trusty pitcher struck out, twice, or that Hupdirt can't seem break out of his slump, or that I forced a double play with two men on base. You know why I refuse to talk about our shortcomings? Because its not good for moral. And I also don't have enough time.

So, its now time to announce our Bood Light 40oz MVP. Maybe its because it was his Birthday Week. Maybe it was the relievement of learning that after all these years of keg stands, and 6ft bong loads, that his sperm was actually strong enough to swim upriver and find the golden egg. It was this motivation that helped Bilbo hit a shot past center field to middle earth, earning a grand slam. Bilbo hit in 4 of the 5 runs of the game. Bilbo was also one of the three infielders that went to the batting cages before the game. So Happy Birthday, and congrats on knocking up the lady!


Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Monday Night's Game is Yet To Be Reviewed



And it's all Lumbergh's fault. Did you guys hear that Lumbergh fucked Joanna? He showed her his "O" face all night.

Now get back to work and be sure to use the proper cover page on your TPS Reports.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

We Challenge You to a Duel.........a Defensive Duel!

The first look in the Tuesday morning Novato Parks and Rec Adult Softball League Division C-III box scores shows a pretty pathetic game: The now 1-3 Ignacio Rotarians defeated the 1-4 Izzys Steakhouse squad by a score of 3-2. But in all honesty this was a fun game to be apart of. Although the Rotarians probably had more fun getting their first win of the season after being blown out in their first three games. Seriously, just look at how happy these guys were after their win:


As the score shows, this game was all about defense. Well, it was also about hitting like tools but it's more fun to talk about the good things we did. But not before we throw you a picture of one of Matt's two strike outs. This shot was snapped on the "backwards K" Matt took while trying to force a walk. Nice take, Hyland:


Plate appearance failure aside, Matt pitched a great game. He struck out one guy and forced a lot of pop ups to Tom at first base. By only allowing 3 runs over 6 innings, his season ERA dipped below double digits for the first time all year to 9.85. Matt owes a lot of his success this game to his partner in crime signal caller Aaron behind the plate. Here's the happy tandem sharing an embrace between innings:


The view from Right Field was delicious this game. I think that we can all agree that the Half Nelson Steak Sauce not only makes us hungry for steak, but it definitely got in the domes of the Rotarians. Honestly, when does a team pop out to 1st base three times in one game? It was great standing in the centerfield gap and catching a ball hit right to me simply because of the steak sauce placement. Headgames for sure. But my best play of the season so far was running down a deep fly hit to right field from the Rover position. This picture was snapped by one of our only fans, Tommy's mom, as I jump up for the grab. Nice action snap, Mrs. Tullis.


Even though your trusty Right Rover made some fine defensive plays and a few guys had multi hit games, the play of the game goes to our 40oz MVP winner Matthew P. Dito. Dito was playing center field when a big hitting Ignacio Rotarian caught the sweet spot and pumped one well over his head. The Eagle Vines Head Pro got on his horse and used the power of the Yankee Pinstripe to chase down the shot for an important out that would have scored two runs should he not have caught it. Here's Dito in action on that fly ball right before he made the grab and then fell on his ass:


Dito's solid defense combined with his single during the 7th inning rally earns him his first ever 40 oz. Playa Of Tha Week award. Hoist your Cobra 40's and toast Matt!

Our last inning rally is something that really should have been. A Dito single followed by an Izzys Right Fielder line drive chased by an Aaron base hit got the comeback party started. Confidence filled our loins as the top of our order came up to bat. Our fill in leadoff man Tracy, a.k.a. Drunko McShortstop (R.I.P. Matt Clark/Pimpalicious) had a man on 1st and 2nd with two outs. The stage was set for his 40 oz MVP trophy and Izzys infamy before he popped out to center to end the game:


Can I propose a new strategery? Can we flip the order next game so that the crafty hitters like Tommy, Tom, Dito, Izzys Right Fielder and Aaron get things started on the right foot? For some reason the top of our order, aside from Brian, haven't been able to link together hits in the first few innings. That being said, I leave you with an inspirational picture of our Captain Brian running the bases on Monday night. If our old man Captain can turn on the afterburners, we can too:


Until next Monday.........Bitches. Here's to our 2nd win.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Aye Caramba!!



On May 5th (Cinco de Mayo) 1862, the French Army was slaughtered at the Battle of Puebla. 4,000 poorly equipped tequila-drinking Mexican soldiers outsmarted and annihilated little Napoleon's French army of 8,000 men. The city of Puebla, 100 miles east of the very clean Mexico City, was the battleground on which Mexico was to prove to the world that national sovereignty would not be compromised. As a result of the this bloody battle, the French soldiers were either killed, or retreated to their confines of baggettes, camembert cheese, champagne, and chain smoking.

You may be wondering what this has to do with softball. Well, exactly 146 years later, Casa Carne Asada de Izzy's reenacted the Batalla de Puebla and killings in true Cinco de Mayo spirit and suffered a similar defeat. Prior to the Battle at IVC, Izzy's was already down 4 men. What could be more important than Novato Parks and Rec 3rd division men's softball you ask? Apparently basketball and vacation. Pimpalicious was occupied by giving his monthly lecture to SF State students on "How to Hustle your Hoes while Building your Stock Portfolio." Catcher Aaron was still thinking about his 4 hits from the last game, and didn't want to spoil us this week. Our Right Fielder had a very important netball playoff game to attend to instead of fighting for Izzy's, and Dito, our part-time left fielder was on a much deserved vacation.

To replace the MIA Izzian's, Bilbo picked up two guys from the canal in San Rafael to play catcher and center field. Bilbo treated them to virgin margaritas and Coronas at Maya's before the game, and they looked great with their Maya wristbands. I can't remember their names, but the center fielder caught a few fly balls, and they both had a couple good hits. Even though one of them was tagged out at home to end the game, we owe them a big gracias for filling in. So thanks guys.



The first inning wasn't too humiliating, as we only gave up one run. Bilbo snagged a rocket grounder to third base and shot it to Tom at first for a solid out, solidifying one of only two infield plays of the night. It was a surprisingly calm night for the Izzy's Infield. I managed to knock down 3 grounders at short stop, preventing any balls from rolling into shallow left, while making exactly 0 outs in the game. Pitcher Matt fielded a fake bunt for an out, and struck out another batter out with his ugly change up. First Base Tom caught a pop-up for an out, then let the 2nd base runner steal 3rd (and home) after a wild throw to 3rd, and after the runner face-planted 10 feet before the bag. 2nd Base Tommy had a highly uneventful night in the infield, while nursing a Kentucky Derby hangover and mourning the loss of his best friend, Eight Belles. Tommy almost got his glove on a missile up the middle, almost.


Izzy's outfielders on the other hand, had a very busy night. Our outfielders made most of the outs in the game by catching 12 of the 253 shots to the outfield. Huppert was fast in left field, making some amazing diving catches as if they were pot brownies falling from the sky. Veteran Ben took the most important position on the field, right field that is. Not only did Ben catch a dinger to right, he caught it one-handed to end the inning. Coach Brian and his amigo in center field were busy retrieving line drives all night, netting a few outs. Understandably frustrated with all the line drives to the outfield and over my head, Pitcher Matt (who is part-time motivational speaker, and Tony Robbins graduate) gave us a brief pep talk and told us to "get our heads out of our asses." Similar to how an ostrich sticks its head in sand when scared, we took the same approach, but for the humiliation of giving up 15 runs.

But wait, it gets better. Not only did we give up 15 runs to the decade old San Marin Mustangs who were re-living their glory days, Team Izzy's scored zero runs. I know, its impressive. Our new bat (not Vaginal Thunder) , helped us get few guys on base, but no one succeeded in passing 3rd base. We eventually surrendered our defeat by order of the mercy rule. Last night,we were on "The Bar" hometown hero- I mean home turf, similar to how the French were defeated on foreign land back on Cinco de Mayo, 1862.

So what do we do when we are defeated? We Drink.



...and we drink more.